Home for the Holidays (Whatever That Means)

The view at 10,000+ feet somewhere over Riverside County

The only annual holiday tradition I've managed to create and honor as an adult is traveling back to my parents' house for Christmas every December. My tradition is not unique. No, it appears I share this tradition with loads of other singletons. I see them waiting in the security line at LAX or stranded in Terminal D trying to balance Christmas gifts, laptops and giant coffee served in red cups.

What I've come to wonder is if these other singletons share my holiday experience--you know, after the ritual of traveling cross-country is complete. Do they also find their childhood bedroom has become a storage room / gift-wrapping station / gym / playroom for Princess the puppy? Do they--usually chatty with most any living being--find it hard to formulate conversation with childhood friends, now married and covered in the paraphernalia of children? Do they have an unusual desire for a large Manhattan with each and every meal?

Maybe it's just me.

At any rate, the holidays were lovely and rushed and full of dear ones. It was good to get back to Los Angeles with it's wild and apocalyptic sunsets. In LA, I feel a bit more myself, which is such a contradiction because if you saw me you'd never think I came from this particular city. I probably look way more Tulsa than LA.

A Reminder of What Hasn't Happened Yet

I promise I'm not one of those people who always thinks about relationships. That disclaimer is necessary because 5 days ago I went to a seminar organized by my church on the subjects of being single and dating. I know what you're thinking. But I'm definitely not one of those people, I promise. The seminar was fine and all, but it seemed the whole purpose of being there--at least for the people sitting around me--was to learn the shortcuts and tricks to getting a spouse. At one point, when a witty and fast-talking lady co-moderating the evening spoke about meeting her husband, I wanted to stand up and shout: "What if THIS is our final destination? What if being single is what we're meant to do?"

Marriage seems to be a great thing for many people, and I'd like to get married. But if I don't, life will not crumble around me like the ash of a cigarette. There is too much to do, too many things to see, too many people to know for me to think one path is all there is for me. Plus, mathematically speaking the odds aren't so hot. 20% of the people in that room were men. And apparently all of those men are considered deadbeats or playboys. The Atlantic Monthly published an interesting article recently that basically said:

"Recent years have seen an explosion of male joblessness and a steep decline in men’s life prospects that have disrupted the “romantic market” in ways that narrow a marriage-minded woman’s options: increasingly, her choice is between deadbeats (whose numbers are rising) and playboys (whose power is growing). But this strange state of affairs also presents an opportunity: as the economy evolves, it’s time to embrace new ideas about romance and family—and to acknowledge the end of “traditional” marriage as society’s highest ideal."

So, you see, the odds really are not looking good for all the single ladies to have a man put a ring on it. And that's OK.

In large part, I signed up for The Big E so I could tell people I'd given Internet dating the ol' college try and they stop pestering me about doing more to get hitched. I love life. I make it a point to believe wherever I am is the best place to be, and that has made all the difference in the world.

There are so many areas of our lives that could use this bit of love--taking whatever piece of real estate life has passed down and saying, THIS is mine, and I am going to make it fabulous. Instead of letting absence serve as a reminder of what hasn't happened yet, I'm focusing on what has been accomplished and daydreaming about the wide open spaces left for me to conquer.

The Big E

Well, I finally did it. I signed up for a paid online dating service. I've been on it for just over a week now, and--well, where do I even begin? Maybe you're wondering what prompted me to sign up at this stage of the game, so I'll start my funny tale there.

Being single is expensive and, at times, a little scary. You either have a tiny studio and live on your own, or you find a roommate so you can afford a place that actually has a kitchen and maybe a scrap of outdoor space. And then there's the fear factor: nary a single woman hasn't faced the fear of slipping in the shower, bonking her head on the floor--which of course would render her unable to move--only to be found weeks later by a landlord looking for their rent check. So, yes, you're right. My decision to sign up for The Big E was motivated in large part by my desire to have a kitchen of my very own and a night watchman.

Don't get me wrong; I have a wonderful roommate and a lovely kitchen at the moment, but all that concerns my beloved apartment is completely and utterly temporary. I am hesitant to hang anything on the walls because I know I will be moving at some point. I'm eager to have a bit more permanence in my life. I'd also like to consistently share memories with one person, instead of a smattering of friends spread all over the place.

All of this leads me to my little online profile and the seemingly desultory matches that have come my way. Already, just a week into it, I hate it. I suspected I wouldn't enjoy meeting people out of a catalog, and maybe this prejudice is why I dislike it so. Everything about the process goes against the grain of what makes me--me. Creating a slideshow of photos of yourself (Look! This one shows you how much fun I can be! And this one with the baby shows you what a natural I am with kids!) and writing brief blurbs of copy about your ideal match is downright embarrassing for me. And don't even get me started on the back-and-forth communication. It's so contrived and awkward and superficial, which is exactly what it should be.

But I've gone to enough singles mixers and signed up for countless volunteer activities in hopes of expanding my network only to find I've collected more girl friends. And as far as the men in my life, well it's safe to say I am firmly planted in the Friend Zone. Which is well and good and all. But guys don't seem to want to marry their friends these days.

So, I'm online and looking for love. It takes time, so I expect it to be a bit of a battle..err, I mean journey. In the meantime, I'm finding loads of material to share. Just wait until I tell you about S.S. Elisabeth.