Thanks to a hectic work schedule, a trip east and other commitments I made even though I hadn't the time, I have neglected my writing. In this absence of jotting down notes and stories, I have missed the revelations and feelings of purpose that find me when I write. So in the spirit of hopping back on the horse, I'm tackling a subject that I rarely speak of: weight. That is, my weight.
A few years ago I read an article about a very famous fashion designer who decided to lose quite a bit of weight a little later in life. I don't recall many details about the article (there might have been something about a ridiculous lettuce diet), but what I do recall is the sentiment this designer made about his decision to alter his lifestyle so drastically that every inch of his body was impacted. In short, he said that he desired to wear smaller clothes more than he desired eating sweets and lounging around. I'm totally paraphrasing here, but that was the idea that stuck with me.
It's been about 5 months since I found that same desire, and while my results have not been so drastic as to have been chronicled in a fashion magazine, my change has been noticed by coworkers, friends and family. And of course by me.
A strange mix of guilt and pleasure whirls through my mind each time I measure my progress by way of my reflection. I find a bit of joy in seeing my arms and legs advertise the results of my crawling around on the floor each morning to do exercises with names like, "the dying bug". And I feel victorious watching the pale marshmallow-like rolls of my stomach shrink. In all this, though, there is a sadness--maybe a mourning--for the chances I let pass me by because I was too self-conscious. For the embarrassment I felt because of my body. It's easy to just be yourself; it's much harder to actually love yourself. For this I am sad: that I haven't always loved myself.
In this process of change, I have noticed that I watch people differently than I did a year ago. Before, I looked enviously at women with smaller waists. Now I wonder what battles they fight with their own bodies. It's a curious thing to be a woman in LA, in America, in Western culture. You are celebrated for losing weight and whispered about for gaining weight.
So that is where I am now. I don't have a radical diet, and I don't go to the gym anymore. Instead I opt for water over soda, salad over bread, and I make it a point to get out and walk 4 or 5 times a week. I've also started minimizing time with friends who have been a drain on my mind and spirit. It's amazing how much better you feel when you don't have a Debbie Downer constantly moaning in your ear.
A funny post soon, I promise. But for now I hope this brings a wee bit of encouragement to someone somewhere.
Life-Ruining Mistakes?
35 minutes ago
3 comments:
Thank you , thank you, thank you! This is Amy from your SC BSF group-and I loved reading this entry. I needed this encouragement and man have I been overwhelmed by crazy people and their 'lettuce diets'- like that will last! It is about making changes, but not unrealistic and often even more unhealthy ones. So I'll get back on my Wii Fit and do more crunches and lunges and NOT feel bad because I still eat food!! This was an encouragement right when I needed it! Many thanks!
Great post - getting on this same path shortly. It does remind me of the book Julie and Julia - they are making it into a movie, but in any case - thought you'd love it too. Congrats on the new and improved you. :)
You did bring encouragement to me. I was struggling with those very thoughts just today. I have always hated the way I look, and I am so tired of it, so thanks for the encouragement!
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